


[crackfic]When Dick Meets the Therapist

by JasonToddOnLofter



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Teen Titans (Comics), Titans (TV 2018)
Genre: Bottom Jason Todd, Crack, Dialogue-Only, English translation, Humor, Jealousy, M/M, Possesive Dick Grayson, Short, Titans S02e06-Conner, Wife Jason Todd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23556805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JasonToddOnLofter/pseuds/JasonToddOnLofter
Summary: Summary: The doctor went to see his therapist.Warning: crack ⚠️
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Kon-El | Conner Kent/Jason Todd
Kudos: 43





	[crackfic]When Dick Meets the Therapist

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [[转载-Konjay]When Dick Meets the Therapist 当迪克去看心理医生](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23385436) by [clee17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clee17/pseuds/clee17). 



Doctor: Mr. Grayson?

Dick: Call me Dick.

Doctor:?

Doctor: Alright Dick, are you doing well today?

Dick: No, I'm depressed.

Doctor: Tell me about it.

Dick: My wife had an affair, right in front of me, screwing around with some guy. They broke the car.

Doctor: Why would your wife do this? (carefully)

Dick: It was my fault. I was hanging on to him, but I’d applied too much cream on my hands and it was slippery.

Doctor: ... then?

Dick: He fell down a building.

Doctor (frightened): Is your wife okay?

Dick: Well, that random guy caught him.

Doctor (relaxed): That’s good. Which floor did he fall from?

Dick: More than twenty ... the second floor.

Doctor: How did he fall in the first place?

Dick: There was an old sick bastard who abused my wife. I went to rescue him with friends. Didn’t pay attention for one second and he just flew over.

Doctor (frowning): What is your occupation?

Dick: Me? I’m a policeman.

Doctor (frowns): So you fell for the victim during a rescue mission?

Dick: Ah? No. He’s a child bride.

Doctors:? ? ?

Doctor: Wait.

Doctor: Give me more details.

Dick: So my teenage rebelliousness started after I'd already became an adult, a bit late compared to most people, and I ran away from home, so my father adopted the boy to bribe me so I’d come home.

Dick: He’s just like that. He’s a control freak.

Doctors:……

Doctor: Are you saying that your father adopted a child and made him your wife?

Dick: Right.

Doctor: Did your dad ask you to call him brother?

Dick: How did you know?

Dick: My dad was a bunch of nonsense, but that's what he’s really doing, do you get it?

Doctor: I don't.

Doctor: Was your brother over 18?

Dick: No, he’s still being adopted wasn’t he?

Doctor (frightened): A minor fell down a building? !!!

Doctor (angrily): Is that how you supervise children in your household??!

Dick: Well, it was my fault. Took him out for some fun. He was kidnapped as a result. If my dad found out about this he’s gonna break my legs.

Doctor: So your father didn’t even know? Did you bring him out of his guardian's house without permission?

Dick: My dad found out after he left, plus my wife volunteered, he liked me very much, I didn’t believe he could even do such things (weeping)..

Dick: Doctor, how could he do that?

Dick: What even was so attractive about that guy anyway, he just knew how to use sweet talk to deceive these naive boys who didn’t know a thing about the real world. Came up in a triple jump and caught my wife, my gosh, that jump was like a dozen meters high, you tell me, say he wasn’t just showing off? What’s so great about knowing how to high jump anyway.

Doctor:… It’s quite amazing….

Doctor: Wait.

Doctor: Didn't you say your wife fell off the second floor? What did he jump for a dozen meters for?

Doctor: Are you just lying because you think I'm not good at math?

Dick: ...

Dick: It doesn't matter. The point is that he was just showing off in front of my wife.

Dick: Don’t you think he’s just trying to provoke me on purpose?

Doctor: It's hard to tell.

Dick: Do you know what’s even worse? He totally just groped my wife's ass as I watched. He used so much force that his fingers jabbed in!

Doctor: Did you just say your brother was underage? How old was this man?

Dick: Two ... twenty something.

Doctor: Then he should be able to take responsibility for his actions.

Doctor: It is recommended that you take legal proceedings for this matter.

Dick: The law still cares about it these days? Anyway, my hometown doesn't care about it, otherwise my dad ... dad's idol Batman would have bided by the law long ago.

Doctor: Don’t consider extreme cases yet. Relevant laws and procedures have regulations for such a standard case.

Doctor: Why did you mention Batman?

Dick (waves his hand): It doesn't matter. The point is that I have to kill this guy, I’m no man if I can put up with this, not to mention I was totally the big gun in Gotham ... Gotham Elementary School when I was a kid, back then I used to touch Superman’s ... life-size action figure's pecs anytime I wanted.

Doctors: ….

Doctor: Are you saying you can’t touch it now?

Dick: If it wasn't for the fact I’m not allowed to commit murder in my occupation, he would’ve died by my green sword (kryptonite) by now. The first thing I’ll do after I retire would be to murder that guy.

Doctor: ... good call. Policemen shouldn’t just murder someone for no reason.

Dick: I tell you, he’s no match for me at all. I’m so good at fighting, I’ve never lost a fight since I was a child. Just you look at my bod, it's no joke (rolling up his sleeves) - here bro, feel my biceps-

Doctor (backstepping): No, thank you.

Dick (pushing down his sleeve): You might not have noticed, but I'm a very traditional guy.

Doctor: Oh?

Dick: I just can’t accept things like these. My wife was so pretty, and also grew up in Gotham, but the condition of his childhood wasn’t great, so we have very different perspectives on things. He’s not a child anymore but he kept on worshipping our dad. My dad had emotional constipation thirty-one days a month. How was he more reliable than me?

Dick: Right after the guy groped him, he turned his head and smiled like an idiot. He knew nothing about how dangerous the world was, how could he even smile like that to someone he didn’t know?

Dick: No, he shouldn’t even smile like that to our family, except me.

Dick: I think he just lost his mind and wanted to marry the guy. Just take a look at how deceitful that dude was, can’t believe how tight his shirt was and how big it made his pecs look, but that’s all a guise. A real man did not rely on that bit of … the bunch of meat he possessed.

Doctor: Wow.

Dick: I can't accept it, and I can't concentrate all day. You tell me, how was this acceptable of my wife? When I tried to have a few words with him he called me a nag, all teeth and claw. I pestered him for a few days before he finally apologized to me in the bathroom. Then told me to get lost as soon as he finished his half-assed apology. Started peeing in the toilet the moment I turned my head. Obviously he didn’t even see his own fault and was just trying to get rid of me.

Dick: I just can't believe my wife was like this.

Dick: I love my wife.

Dick: Doctor, what should I do?

Doctor: ...

Doctor: Go home first, I need to get my head on straight.

Doctor: The kid was going through his rebellious years. Don’t press too hard, he might end up running off.

Dick: Hey, I know, my wife likes to run.

Dick: When is my next session?

Doctor: I’ll be having a full schedule in the next few days.

Dick (stares): Then arrange something.

Doctor (facepalms): Come back next week.

Dick (getting up): Thank you, doctor, tell you what, I already feel much better.

Doctor: (sighs) ...

——

Doctor: Doctor, there’s one thing I don't understand, and I can't concentrate all day.

Doctor: I don't know whether what the client said was true or not. There were a bunch of crimes involved in his story. Can I report him? The Patient Privacy Protection Association has to understand.

Doctor's therapist: Tell me about it.

——Fin——


End file.
